There is so much going on in my head right now... this boy drives me crazy.
Last week, I was an emotional mess. I cried myself to sleep every night, and I cried so hard my chest would feel sore by the time I fell asleep. My eyes were puffy as hell in the morning, so I had to use tons of makeup to cover it all up. I still kinda am... although it's not a daily occurrence anymore.. not since Saturday. It's only about once every two days or so now... just as hard though. Anyways....
My life has sucked romantically since I was 18, and I thought I kind of got over that... why does it so hurt now? I think the main underlying reason are my hormone pills... I've been taking one since about September.. yet, due to cycle problems (aka: constantly bleeding for 5 months straight... NOT good for my anemia) I had to start taking birth control pills as well. Last week was my first 'placebo week'. Personally, I don't think it's a coincidence I started being a mess then. Sounds silly so far, no? It'll all make sense soon.
Well, I'm crying my eyes out, I feel lonely as hell, who do I go to for comfort? You guessed it, Tom. Throughout the week, I tried everything from 'I'm in a really bad mood.....' to 'I cried until 5 am last night.....' to 'WHY ARE YOU SUCH A JERK!' (well not exactly, but pretty close). I mean... these are pretty obvious hints, right? The only 'comfort' I got from him was a 'hm' followed by either: silence or going to bed. Which was followed by me crying even harder.
By Sunday, I just couldn't take it anymore. My chest hurt as hell, I had a terrible headache, and I could not stop crying for the life of me. I didn't even know why I was crying! At the time, and even now, it seemed to me that all I wanted to hear was 'it's OK honey.. I love you' or 'please don't cry anymore, it'll be okay' or just.. anything other than 'hm' then *nothing*. I needed to feel loved, I needed to feel like someone cares... I still don't understand why I expected to get that from Tom.. I was a mess, he could sense that. He wasn't going to give me that comfort I needed so easily. I still don't know what I had to do to get it from him, if it was possible at all to do so... In hindsight, it seems like anything that I want from Tom, physical or emotional, had a price. I have to do something that benefits him, that makes him happy, so that I can get what I want. There are no shortcuts, there is no forgiveness. Yet like the stupid person that I am, if he's in a bad mood, I rush to try and make him feel happy, without asking for a reward/price. So, he doesn't forgive or forget, but I kind of have to. Otherwise I don't get my 'nice' points. I think in the case of comfort, I need to be 'nice' to him for like 2-4 months, and I only get comforted once. Last time I was comforted was in May before he leaves.. it was only June when I had my breakdown. Not surprisingly, sexual favors only require a few minutes of enticing....
The hell? he's making ME pay for sexually favoring HIM? Dammit.
Anyways. So, I'm a mess, I need comfort from him, he doesn't feel like it. We end up fighting, I try to tell him why I'm so upset, yet he finds it funny to just leave and go to sleep in the middle of my tirade. It is funny, no? No, it isn't.
I cry a whole bunch more in my bed, then I decide that I'm sick of this treatment I'm getting. So I sent him an email telling him that he doesn't have to worry about that 'maybe' he's been having troubles with for so long, and that I don't even want to be his gf anymore. I told him I don't want to be intimate with him, since I feel like I'm getting used. I believe that was the gist of the e-mail. Then I cried some more (Having fun?)
I only slept for about an hour or so... then before I head to the lab, I ended up sending an IRC message to Tom apologizing about the email. For about three days, I waited for him to talk to me, yet nothing was happening. I already apologized! What's going on? (I'm not 'assuming' here, but that sounds a lot like 'punishing' for something I apologized for. How is that for gentlemanly?). Finally, he sent me a hi on MSN.
I thought I would be happier, but I was pretty apathetic. Tom and I had an argument, my case was that he needed to be more sensitive/caring, his case was that he did nothing wrong and I'm the crazy wacko. Yet somehow, I was holding my ground pretty damn good. He tried changing the topic a couple of times, but I would go alone with it for a bit, then I would call him out on it. Finally, he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore, and gave me the definition of 'hm' off of the dictionary (PS: it means something along the lines of a state of being perplexed/ deeply thinking). He told me I need to think about something I don't even remember anymore (probably try to guilt trip myself into believing it is OK for him but not me to be apathetic, that if I'm upset I should go fuck myself, etc). Oh, also, along the conversation, I mentioned something about him being not caring, yet he perceived me as making 4 statements. Yet he answered with one no. It's my fault... I got him used to be as lazy as possible in his responses. He got mad at me when I just assumed that the no was about the statement of him not caring (it was the main/only one anyways) and started sending him logs proving that really, he doesn't care (Yea right. Another topic change). And he has the guts to ask me stop making assumptions that make him the bad guy. I would, if he'd give me a reason to, and if he'd stop doing the exact same thing he's trying to mak me stop doing.
Finally, he went offline without waiting for a response. Yup, he ran away. Alrighty.
When we were arguing, unlike everytime, I felt that *I* was right. That I should not be taking this kind of BS from anybody. Yet I was also pretty apathetic to the whole thing. It felt like I had no control over any of the things I typed, they just came out. I still don't.. there is still the occassional bitterness / crying / anger.. but mostly I don't really care. I haven't felt like I miss him either. He never gave me anything to miss about him.
Well, he probably decided to 'punish' me again, or something. He hasn't tried to talk to me for about a day or two... I think it was a day or two anyways. And he sent me a hi tonight. Too bad I was watching TV with my little bro, then celebrating his birthday (he's 16!) then hanging out with my aunt. By the time I came back (about 5 hours after his hi) and said hi, I got no response.
I don't really want to talk to him anymore.. I mean.. what the hell is with the discipline thing he's doing? And if it's not discipline, then why does he expect me to put so much more effort than him into fixing our relationship? And why the hell have I worked so hard at it?
I'll admit it, I'm a bit crazy. Doesn't he know that? I did get a couple of head hits because of him anyways o.o I'm trying my best, yet it's like he's doing everything in his power to make it as difficult on me as he possibly could. Every time 'I' fail, and he gets mad at me and all that crap, I just end up loving him a little bit less, and hating him a little bit more. I mean, it's not possible to cry so many tears over somebody and not expect my brain to just try and stop this torment. Especially when I'm not allowed to vent.
So he's Mr.Perfect, who I'm not allowed to try and tell about what upsets me about him, and I'm the mutt that gets disciplined? Everytime I try to talk to him, he asks me to 'stop complaining about him'. Well I'm not going to keep it in forever, he IS almost always mean to me.
I'm not sure where our relationship/friendship/whatever is going. I'm not going to actively (read: desperately) try and fix it. If he wants it fixed, he needs to fix a couple of things about himself. Although it's a little too late for that.. I don't want to be intimate with him anymore. This behavior of mine will not get any better until I see him incorporating some changes too. I have been extremely nice to him for a pretty long time, but he hasn't really changed much. I'm not going to try any harder until I see some effort on his side too.
I'm a really nice person to everybody else, it's only him that drives me crazy like that. I think it's him, not me..
We also need to stop fighting every time I have a complaint about him. This isn't going to work out.
He will get as much emotional support from me as I am getting from him. He gets a free pass on his bad days, if I don't get any, he won't get them anymore either. And yes, he does upset me when he's in a bad mood and all quiet.. although it's not much different than his normal days when he's still all quiet. But I'm trying to give him some advantage here.
Actually, even when he's apathetic on his normal days (which is always), I will be apathetic too. I mean, he is the one that started the pricing/reward/punishment system here. If I had the time, I'd play this game the other way around too. Too bad I don't.
I'm not getting disciplined by freaking Tom, dammit.
So. Not actively trying to get him back, obviously, but if we still end up friends after this (which I kind of doubt), at the rate and direction my emotions are going, next mistake he makes, I will make sure he's permanently out of my life before I shed one more tear over him.
Don't get me wrong... this person is nothing like the person I fell in love with. Nothing at all. I hardly even know him, and I've been trying so hard to sculpt him back into the person I fell in love with. The sweet, caring Tom. you may have noticed I give up, the heartbreak I went through is enough..
Isn't it funny how I needed one bad case of PMS to get this going?